It's been a good few months since my last wedding freakout. I think it happens every 3-4 months where I get really down on myself and the whole situation and it boils over. This was a really big one. And it was the night of my best friend's birthday party. We were about an hour late, and I LIED TO HER and said that I had fallen asleep. I felt so guilty, but I couldn't dump what was really going on at her birthday party. I called her the next day to tell her everything.
It's not that something HAPPENED that sent me off the deep end. Nothing did happen. A friend I hadn't seen in a while gave me the "and when are you two finally getting married" dig... to which I responded "Oh, I'm not getting married." And honestly, that's how I feel most of the time. Not that I don't want to get married, it's that I really don't see it every happening. Ever. Genezilla (I'm trying it out. We'll see how it feels) really doesn't like weddings. It's not the marriage part that terrifies him, it's the wedding part. The expense, all the people, having to schmooze... all of it.
He told me that weddings are fake, and that he no longer believes in marriage. Both of our best friends and my parents are divorced. But we have so many friends who are happily married... and his parents are happily married. I'm really trying to understand. I'm also trying not to get upset. I know that the expense terrifies him, which is why I just want to elope. I did want to have a party afterwards, but he really doesn't, so no party afterwards I suppose. And this is if anything even happens. Honestly, I don't know where my breaking point is going to be, but I know that I have one. The one thing I don't want is for him to propose/marry me just to keep me happy, so I'm not depressed. I want him to do it because he wants to. I didn't think that was such a hard thing to ask. But I've pretty much completely lost hope. I used to be able to picture getting married... now I can't.
The thing that cracks me up is that he wants to have kids. But doesn't want kids without being married. Um. There's a bit of a contradiction there, buddy. What I think is really going on? I know that he talked about looking at rings with our really good friend. Two weeks later, he had a heart attack and passed away. He was getting remarried in a month. That was a year and a half ago. There are still moments when I miss The Chocolate Cake Man. Baseball season is hard without him... poker is hard without him... every time I hear Maroon 5, his favorite band, it stings a bit. Though what's funny is every time we play poker with our friends, the first song we hear on the ride home is a Maroon 5 song. Every time.
Genezilla keeps saying all the right things. That he loves me, and he wants to be married to me, he just doesn't want to GET married. And that if he could fix the way he feels, he would... but that he doesn't know where it came from or how to fix it. Never does he make me feel like it's something to do with me... but I can't help feeling that way. How else am I supposed to feel? When the person I've spent the last seven years with says that he doesn't want to marry me, but it has nothing to do with ME. It's nothing that I did. I don't want to leave. I really don't. And if one more person tells me that I'm wasting my time with Genezilla, or that he's damaged and I should get out while I can, or that I need to just get rid of him... I'm going to lose my shit. My manager the other day told me the reason he won't marry me is because he won't buy the cow since he's getting the milk for free. Way to make me feel bad about myself. I don't need any help with that... I do just fine all by myself.
Unrelated: my radio station is playing "Ghostbusters" right now, and it's made my entire day.