World's Worst Break Up

No, not Gene and I... we're just fine. This is something from a long time ago.

Back when I was a freshman in high school, I was dating a junior. I got to go to the prom as a freshman, and I thought I was the coolest thing ever. This guy was very attractive...and very weird. He now has a spike protruding from his chin and other metal appendages. We had this routine. 6h Period, I had Health class...and I sat in the very back of the room, which was adjacent from the boys bathroom. He was in I think History, and he would get the hall pass, slip a note in my locker, and then wave to me on his way to the restroom.

On that fateful day... he didn't use the hallpass. In the three months (which is like years in high school time) we dated, that was the only day that he didn't wave to me from the hall. I knew something was horribly wrong. And there wasn't a note in my locker. Instead, this one girl that I did drama with whom I didn't really get along that well with handed me a sealed envelope with my name on it, and told her that my ex (not The Ex) had given it to her in the hallway. He was no where to be found. He left school after 6th period, because he had 7th and 8th period study halls and juniors and seniors are allowed to leave school if that happens.

The letter inside was, looking back, the funniest break up letter I've ever received. I was so distraught over the whole thing that I burnt the letter when I got home. I really wish I still had it for blackmail purposes. He gave me every single excuse for breakup that I could think of:

It's not you it's me.

You deserve so much better.

I just don't know how to love.

I think you're smothering me and I need to feel free this summer.

You need someone who knows how to love you.

And my personal favorite: MY PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE AND I JUST CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. And then he added, "please don't say anything to my sister... she doesn't know."

Seriously? Your parents are getting a divorce and that's why we can't date? It's a bit backwards and sounds like he needs some serious therapy. At the time, I didn't really understand the divorce thing because my parents were "happily" married (HA! they're divorced now). But it seemed very backwards to want to stop having a relationship because of that.

I don't mean for it to sound like I'm mocking divorce. I'm not. I'm mocking the fact that this guy made up his parents divorce to feel better about dumping me. That's right...his parents are still married. And I didn't say anything to his sister. I was loyal. I wonder what she would think though. I did talk to her that night, and despite the fact that we weren't really friends, she made me feel better about everything.

I found out later (ironically from The Ex) that he broke up with me because he was going to Norway for the summer (where his father is from) and he intended to fool around with girls over there. The Ex actually convinced my Norweigan Prince to break up with me... because this gem of a human being wasn't going to break up with me. He said since it was a different country, it didn't count. What a loser.

What is the worst excuse you've ever received for a breakup? I have yet to find one that I think is funnier than "My parents are getting a divorce."